Copywrighted by Spencer Overgaard.

Eight Truths about Psychotherapy (2020)

The fit between you and the therapist is likely the most important factor in its effectiveness. Pay attention to the fit.

Affect (‘feeling, emotion, desire,’ according to the Concise Oxford Dictionary) is the ‘currency’ of therapy. What this means is that having feelings, coming to feelings, and striving toward an awareness of feelings is the essential element of a therapy. For some people, to simply be able to feel anything emotional is difficult. The early part of therapy may be a period of learning what you feel, and, perhaps, to learn that you feel at all. To access one’s feelings may seem elementary, but it can often be far more difficult than one imagines.

There is no right way to do therapy.

There is no one way to start a session. One supervisor I had used to say, ‘Start with what’s most pressing.’

Your curiosity in who you are and how you feel will be an important asset in your work.

Psychotherapy is about change. The change that happens will be within you. Others may change as a consequence, but that change is not the reason to enter therapy.

The reason a therapist can be helpful will be contingent on their ability to listen. My mentor says, ‘Listening is a profound act.’

Part of the becoming a good listener is having had the experience of one’s own therapy. It takes time working on oneself to begin to grasp how difficult looking at oneself closely can be. They know how hard it is to sit in the client’s chair because they have been in that chair themselves.

The space between two chairs. (2014)

When a client first comes to therapy, a space is provided. It’s a space of time – an appointment time, a beginning and end time, usually an hour or so. But there is also a physical space in the office: two chairs, one for the client and one for the therapist, with room in between. That space between the two chairs respects our need for personal space. It is expected and feels natural. But that space is more than physical and social—it can also represent a value of a different sort.

The space between the two chairs is also an area where self-exploration and awareness can occur. The client can ask or even insist on being taken seriously in this space. The space can also be an important buffer between two people. The client may need a secure distance from another he may see as an authority figure. The space can also represent the emotional latitude the therapist gives the client, especially if she is feeling vulnerable. In short, the space can allow for psychological acceptance, learning and growth.

Perhaps one of the most significant uses of “the space in between” is as a container – a place to store things. Just as children have a toy chest where they toss their playthings, or the handyman a toolbox, the space between the therapist and the client holds and grants access to feelings. Consider the expression, “She held herself together.” What we mean by this is this person, despite experiencing some stressful emotion, kept her feelings in check – that is, she didn’t fall apart. She kept her feelings bridled and contained even though she was shamed, falsely accused, or unfairly criticized. She didn’t let them spill out to affect others. This capacity is useful self-control. There are, however, times in our lives when we’re not capable of doing this alone.

Emotions can become so burdensome that they severely affect our behaviour, thinking, and self-esteem. If we have no reliable and safe opportunity to examine those feelings they can undermine our well-being and end up hurting our nearest and dearest. When this happens, we need a place – a space – to let the feelings go. The burden can be let down in the space between the two chairs.

It’s not uncommon that clients suddenly begin to cry in their first session. Possibly for the first time, there is a space for them to experience their own feelings without worrying what someone else might think. There is so much in our lives that encourages us to deny, ignore and move away from how we feel.

To allow the full depth of a feeling can be unnerving and emotionally demanding, especially if it’s something unpleasant like anger or anxiety. It’s so much easier to turn on the TV, surf the internet, shop, or eat. To make a commitment to oneself to face the pain of these feelings is a big step. Entering the space can be scary!

To one way of thinking the space between two chairs in a psychotherapist’s office can seem like it’s nothing special. Usually we are only talking about a distance of a few feet. How is it that so little space can hold so much significance? Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, in his book Playing and Reality (Tavistock, 1971) saw the space between the therapist and the client as a place for creative work. He actually uses the word play rather than work. Treating infants, young children and mothers, he had valuable insights into healthy emotional and psychological development. Children, he said, need a space to play supported by good parenting. Within this space play could take place with all its possibilities for imagination, discovery and feelings–good and bad. Play was essential for developing a sense of self.

If we apply the idea just mentioned to the therapy office the space between the therapist and the client becomes an arena for development, for work and for creative play. In the space between the two chairs we relax the normal constraints on social behaviour. We can examine and explore our deeper feelings regardless of how unpleasant they are. We can discuss the ‘what ifs’ in life, the ‘what should have been’s and the ‘I wish’s. Untold stories are permitted to surface. Here we can have the hope of being heard, understood and appreciated. Movement can be made towards repairing injuries inflicted by oneself or others. In the space between two chairs we have room to simply be ourselves, and to feel the fullness of who we are.